Painting Clouds on a Sunny Day

I know what I should feel,

I know it, I have seen it.

But I don't feel it. 

It is not like I do not ache,

I do, but it is an ephemeral pain.

I can hear the end of my ache.

It should be a silent end.

I should feel this until I cannot take it anymore,

It should linger in me, always with me.

Clouding my everything and slowly,

 after a sudden thunderstorm on a hot day, 

the clouds should melt and fade

and make way for blue skies 

tinged with white flecks.

Flecks never to fade but to remain,

 constant.

But there seem to be no clouds or flecks.

But regrets. Perhaps guilt about an early acceptance.

Why?

Surely, I could not have prevented it.

I should have painted a feeling, a mutual connection, 

a blue sky filled with puffy clouds which never fade 

- not even to flecks.

Stop!

Now I shiver.

I want to hide my portraits.

I do not want it.

I do not want to lose my skies.

Am I selfishly content? Afraid to lose what is not lost?

I really cannot think this way.

Please, stop!

Affirm life - Paint the pictures you can now.

There will be beauty in giving.

Enjoy the cloud-filled skies.

Do not wait for a sunny day.